Thursday, April 11, 2013

EPIC FacePlant with the CEO

Y'all know I'm clumsy. Been there, covered that - One or Two times.
My Aunt Jay is here today to share her biggest klutz moment.


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Faith, who at times in her life thought she might have been adopted, often talks about being a klutz her propensity towards clumsiness. Said propensity, along with her love of grammar, her OCD tendencies and her razor sharp wit leave no doubt – it’s in the genes baby! And so, to ease her troubled mind over the clumsiness issue, let’s just say she comes from a long line of klutzes. I’m her Aunti (although by the end of this EPIC read, she may never want to admit that again).

Her Granny sustained more head injuries than any other girl child growing up in the 30’s. Gran walked into a telephone pole when they still had those metal footholds sticking out of them (I know, ancient history—Google it to see what they looked like) and split her forehead wide open. She would frequently trip over her own feet landing face first on the pavement, splitting her tongue open—she actually had a permanent little divot in her tongue from the number of times she put her teeth through it. Winter was ripe with disaster opportunities and found Gran falling flat on her back and splitting the back of her head open a couple of times or just being a complete nut- bar and sticking her tongue to a frozen chain-link fence—come to think of it, perhaps THAT’s where the divot came from—plying her tongue off the fence. I digress.

As guest blogger, I want to share MY ultimate klutzy moment. I fondly call it, My EPIC FacePlant with the CEO.

It was Winnipeg (yup, I served my time as district sales manager and survived) and I was escorting the CEO around to visit his stores in the area shopping centres. We were running late and I had to get him to the airport. We were leaving one of our stores at one end of the mall to get our coats at our store at the other end of the mall. I told him I would hurry ahead since I knew we’d have to do one of those screeching drives right onto the tarmac like McGarrett and Danno on Hawaii Five-O if he were going to catch his flight back to Montreal in time.

I’ve always liked to dress well, but I’ve never really enjoyed wearing dresses or skirts. However, I was feeling quite cocky proud of my successful territory and decided to get gussied up for the CEO visit. I was wearing an ankle length broomstick skirt and matching tunic with accessories up the yin yang (don’t judge me, it was the early 90’s!) My matching heels were lovely, but needed a new lift on the right shoe.

Now don’t you just love a freshly zambonied (see Faith isn’t the only one who creates new words!!) mall floor? Yes, so shiny you could see your face in it! Okay, picture this folks . . . in my haste towards the coats, my right heel (remember now, it’s liftless) did a little side-slip towards my left ankle. Oh and did I mention that I’m one of those um fat . . . um chubby . . . um plump um curvaceous family members that Faith and Ashley have been writing about – so when I say a little side slip, I mean like a telephone pole toppling over and taking out the one beside it kind of slip. AND because I had such a hefty pace going through the mall, well somehow I took flight. Now we’re not talking an unladylike kind of fall. We’re talking arms outstretched in front of me flying through the air like freakin’ streakin’ SUPERMAN!!! Still not sure how the physics of all of this worked, but people, I was airborne until my curvaceous girth made full frontal contact with that slick floor. All I remember was an ungodly rush of air escaping my body with a sound that resembled something from a Bruce Lee flick! A Good Samaritan quickly jumped from a nearby bench to come to my aid but my pride wouldn’t allow for help—besides giving into the situation might have either caused me to cry or to laugh so hard I would have had other embarrassing issues to contend with. So with a move as stealth as that Matrix chick, I was on my feet and floating down the mall just praying my skirt was down around my ankles and not caught up behind me . . . somewhere.

I couldn’t understand why all of the employees in the store kept asking me if I was alright on my way to the back room, I mean, come on they didn’t even see that flight and fall.

The trip to the airport was fairly silent which confirmed my suspicions—the CEO had seen EVERYTHING, including everything ABOVE my ankles under that skirt. Ugh.

By the time I got to my cozy little apartment in Osborne Village, I was ready for pj’s and a cup of tea. And that’s when my fall became known as the EPIC FacePlant. You see, when I got undressed, I discovered that in that full frontal meeting of the shiny floor, my bountiful bosoooom had burst my bra asunder! Yes people, the girls had escaped, not as in “my cup runneth over”, nor as in “escape to the South Pole”, no sir, those brazen girls managed to escape straight through the front and thus utterly decimated an $80 bra! Who knew they had such power?

And so I say, what’s a Bowyer girl to do? We come by our klutziness honestly. So we might as well laugh at ourselves and invite you to do the same! And by the way, just like my darling niece Faith, I too wear flats now.


See you all tomorrow, my loves. Happy Thursday!

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