Thursday, May 30, 2013

I Wasn't The Teacher's Pet, I Just Have An Easy Name

Disclaimer: This post is long, sorry about that.

So yesterday - instead of working at the office all day, like I normally would be doing, I spent the day taking a First Aid course so that I can protect the fabulous people on my floor at work. No seriously, I'm not even kidding.

Lets be honest here guys, if somebody has been injured at work I'm pretty sure I probably had something to do with it (we all know how clumsy I am). So why on earth would my company trust me to take care of other people and be in charge of their fate? Who on God's green earth thought that this was wise?
I know how I am, you know how I am, they know how I am, yet they still chose me. Idiots. I digress.

Luckily, I got to spend the day with one of my favorite colleagues, Christina. Seriously - yesterday would have been 10x worse if I didn't have Christina. For the sole purpose of this post, I will call her the most important person in the world (Christina, don't let that go to your head).

At the start of the class/training course/whatever you want to call it, I noticed that we were most likely going to be practicing the different movements, maneuvers, and life saving techniques on each other. This freaked me out. We had 18 people in our class, and I didn't know 16 of them. Normally I don't mind contact with strangers... but I have zero desire to be groped by strangers if I'm not actually dying. I look over at Christina and tell her that I absolutely don't want to touch anyone else, or have anyone else touch me and that she must be my partner for the entire day. She laughs and tells me that I'm going to have to get over that feeling reaaaally fast because I've got 8 more hours to go, and we hadn't even started learning anything yet. Seriously? Kill me now.

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For the first 10 techniques, we had to be in groups of three. Christina and I are only two people (just helping you out in case you couldn't do the math), so we had a lovely gentleman (we'll call him Michael) join our duo. I'll have you know, we didn't have many attractive men in our class, but Michael was one of the two good-looking guys.
All is fine and dandy, we have to take turns doing the technique in each of the positions: being the first aid, being the helper, and then being the casualty.
When it came time for me to be the casualty, I had to lay on the ground (not moving) and Michael was my 'first aid' who had to grope me. Our instructor told the guys to delicate when giving girls the pat down, but Michael was pretty thorough from head-to-toe. Thanks, Michael... Meanwhile, the entire time I'm laying there - pretending to be unresponsive and not moving - Christina is laughing her butt off, the entire time. Jerk.

For some reason, I have my theories, the instructor decided that I'd be the teacher's pet for the day. Cool story, bro.
It's either because: A. I wore red pants to class and stood out like a sore thumb, or B. Faith is the easiest name to remember when you have class after class of Michael, Kyle, Jennifer, Stephanie, or any other 'common' name.

At various times throughout the day, our instructor would say things like 'Faith got in a terrible accident when the rogue forklift came barreling through the factory and struck her', or 'Faith cut off a chunk of her arm because she didn't know how to use a table-saw', or my favorite 'Faith has diabetes'. Seriously, these are pretty close to his actual statements, or something. Anyway, after about the second or third time he used me as an example, Christina told me I was the teacher's pet. Whatever, it's only because I have an easy name.

Remember how I told you that I had a fear of being groped during this course? Well Mr. FancyPantsInstructorMan decided to use me as a DEMO for the entire class. He got Michael to assist him, and together they performed a technique while I had to lay there awkwardly and pretend to be hurt. That was about as fun as it sounds. The look on Christina's face during my entire demo was priceless.

After I got over my fear of being groped, I remembered that we had to end the course by taking an exam. For some reason, exams terrify me. They always have, and I'm sure that they always will. You can tell me everything I need to know, and I will absorb it like a sponge. However, the moment that you question my knowledge and make me do an exam on said information, my sponge dries up and I'm left with no information in my head whatsoever.
At 4:00pm the instructor tells us that it's time for the exam and we have to put our books away. He tells us that we need a 70% or higher to pass - queue Faith's minor anxiety attack, which Christina can vouch for. I did my best to look as cool, calm, and collected as I could on the outside, but on the inside I was freaking out.

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In case any of you are wondering, I ended up getting 100% on my exam and passing first aid with flying colors. I suppose my minor anxiety attacks were completely unnecessary. So if any of: you people in blogland, my colleagues reading this, or anyone else in my life; happen to collapse, have a seizure, have a severe allergic reaction, get anything in their eye, or just need a bandage put on, I am legally allowed to assist you... and I'll probably save your life. You're welcome.

Also, I couldn't NOT take pictures when I got home. Obviously I handled my new-found authority in such a mature way:

first aid
See? This is legit. I can SAVE YOUR LIFE. #justsaying

This is obviously what I look like when I study. (Did you even noticed that the book was upside down?)

I was amused by my name tag.

Fun fact: Since my roommate wasn't home, I decided that being pants-free was the way to be... you can see the red pants that I was wearing all day, laying conveniently on my bed. So yes, I'm pantsless in these pictures. Enjoy that visual, friends.


Last but not least, you may have already seen this on Instagram, but this is what happens when you give me a name tag. I do weird things.

Hello, my name is Faith

If you're still with me - God bless your soul. Seriously, I know this post was long... Buuuuuut I have a special treat for y'all. I'm participating in Erin's Giveaway, and there are some awesome prizes to be won. Check it out, and please visit these 13 other ladies :)


Suzanne said...

That's so funny! My name is pretty easy to pick out from a crowd too, so I know exactly what you're talking about there! :)

Jay T said...

New reader here! I feel a little bad for laughing at your awkward situation ... but not THAT bad. ;)