Tuesday, August 13, 2013

D stands for Douchebag

Disclaimer: mom, dad, aunti... if you are reading this, I'd encourage you to stop right now.

Oh hi there, blogland.

Today I'm going to get a little real with y'all and share a story that I probably shouldn't. However, this blog can't be full of sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops all the time. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the craziness that is my life...

On Saturday I went on a date with the biggest douchebag I've ever met.

I could end the story there, but where would the fun be in that? I mentioned on the blog yesterday that I'd be sharing this crazy story today, so I can't break that promise. Let me just start by saying that this guy didn't just steal a page chapter from the douchebag handbook, I'm pretty sure he wrote the darn thing.

The date started off like complete crap. I knew within 5 minutes of being in this guys presence that I was very uninterested and wanted to bail. But, being the 'nice girl' that I am, I decided to hang out with him for a little while and see where things would go. In hindsight, I should've listened to my intuition and gut feeling, but I didn't. Oops.

He lives about a 5 minute walk away from the beach, so we decided to take a walk down to the beach and walk along the path. The sun was setting, and the views were absolutely breathtaking - it sounds like it should be a romantic, or even sweet date, right? No. This guy could not form any kind of conversation, nor did he have any desire to get to know me. Honestly, he probably couldn't even tell you my name. Yeah..

I had to start ALL of the conversations and keep them going. He had zero desire to learn anything about me, and only cared to tell me about how much he loooooves partying, and hooking up with random girls. WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER. Who thinks it's okay to say this to a girl on a FIRST DATE (or any date for that matter)?
Lets call this Strike One.

After walking for about 10 minutes he appeared to get tired so we sat on a bench, staring out at the water (and right in front of a group of young girls who he proceeded to check out for 10-15 minutes). Again, no conversation except for any conversation that I initiated and he just sat there awkwardly - continuously checking out other girls, and when he thought I wasn't looking - checking me out (in a creepy way).
Shall we call this Strike Two?

As we continued to sit there, awkwardly, this guy pulled something out of his pocket. Whatever he was holding looked like a telescope and I was officially confused. After looking out at the water and making awkward conversation, again, for what seemed like eternity, the idiot unscrewed the top of the 'telescope' and took a giant swig. It turns out that his telescope was a flask, and homeboy went to town on drinking every last drop of whatever alcohol he had in there. Despite the fact that I'm not drinking alcohol for a few months (for weight-loss), I honestly wanted nothing more than to take the flask from his hands and chug it so that I could forget that this terrible date ever happened.
Strike Three.

Shall we proceed to cover strikes Ay through Zed? Yes, yes we shall.

I glanced at the time and decided that I couldn't spend anymore time with him so I made a comment about needing to pick up my roommate and that we should head back to the car. On the walk back, he brought up the fact that his phone was almost completely dead. He gave me this sob story about how his iPhone charger somehow died earlier that day and wanted to know if he could use my charger to charge his phone for a few minutes. I planned on just charging it in the car for 5 minutes and then taking off. However, again, he gave me a story about needing to use the washroom and asked if I could come up to his apartment for a bit so he could charge his phone.

Now before you give me an earful about how I made a stupid decision, don't waste your breath. I know I made a dumb mistake and I should've trusted my instinct, but for some reason I agreed to help him out and went up to his apartment for a bit. You could say that I'm a little naive, and I tend to see the best in people. I honestly thought that he needed a quick phone charge and then I'd leave.

We walk through the door, and he immediately plugs in his phone and runs to the washroom (where he stayed for 5-10 minutes, so I'm sure he was taking a crap because he's a classy broad like that). I took a minute to text my roommate and tell her to call me and get me out of this situation - so she did, told me she NEEDED me to come RIGHT NOW. I made it clear to this kid that I had to go. All I'm going to say is that he didn't really understand 'no means no' until I made it perfectly clear that I was walking out the door at that exact moment.

He was completely unimpressed that I was leaving, and handed me back my charger. I bolted out the door, stopped in the hallway to breathe a sigh of relief that I got out of there, and left to pick up my roommate.

Once Amanda got in the car, and attempted to use my charger, she asked why it was all sticky and turned on the light to take a closer look at it. And this, friends, is when I discovered that the douchebag of all douchebags had done the old switcheroo. He must have slipped my charger into his pocket, and used his broken charger to 'charge' his phone in front of me. That way, when I left, he handed me back the broken charger, and I bolted out the door because I was thankful to just get out alive.

This is the charger that douchebag gave to me.

To say I was angry would be the understatement of the century. I can laugh about it now, and honestly I think it's hilarious. However, this definitely goes down as the worst date that I've ever been on in my entire life, and hopefully I don't ever go on a worse date...

Please, someone, tell me that they've been on a terrible date as well?

In case anyone is wondering, I'm completely done with men boys for a loooong while.


Breenah said...

That is BEYOND ridiculous. Like, I'm mad at him and I don't really even know you. Ugh.

Brittany B said...

Oh, what a douche canoe! Sorry you had to go through that.

Anonymous said...

OMG what a jerk for real! Guys can be so stupid and gross. ICK

Allie @ Tales of a TwentySomething said...

I'm pretty happy you used y'all at the very beginning of this post. I think I'm rubbing off on you and ay to zed.... you know how to make a girl happy. Oh and the date. What a doucheface, but you knew that already...

Helene in Between said...

Oh my god! I was reading this like wow this guy sucks but then the whole stealing the charger, that guy is just nuts!! Awful

Liz @ Fitness Blondie said...

WOW!!! After ALL of that, that idiot took your charger. WOW. Do you have his FB or anything? OMG, I'd get my girls together and come up with something crazy to do. How old is he?

Whitney Ellen said...

Wowwww. What a dipshit. This is when I'd write a smart ass little note to leave on his door with the charger next to it.

Tracie Everyday said...

WTF was the sticky stuff?! Gross! I think he qualifies as douchelord. Sorry for the shitty date!

Jay T said...

What the hell!!! I almost feel like he's actually too dumb to be able to switch out the chargers...I mean really he sounds like a total idiot/asshole/dipshit/douche/etc and I can't believe that happened. But I'm glad it did because it was fun to read about.

Jessica @ City Sequins said...

Oh my god...what a complete weirdo! I'm sorry that happened to you..what a lame douchebag. And the charger thing is just absurd...his mother needs to slap him.

StaceyFacex said...

Holy shit that does not sound okay!!! What an absolute douche, I cannot believe you were so polite.

the florkens said...

Douchebag is too nice a term for this particular fella! Wow -- how terrible! I mean, I've been on some bad dates, but no one has ever borrowed my good crap to pawn their bad crap off on me! You poor thing.

I feel you on the conversation thing though. I once when on a date with a guy that friend set me up with. She warned me that he was "shy" -- what an understatement. Geesh! I had to drawn everything out of him. He basically sat there staring at me all night with wide eyes that said, "Help! I want to talk. I don't know how!" Soooo annoying.

Hopefully you'll never see this jerk again. But if you do, I suggest wrapping that iphone cord around his douchy neck... (Opps! Did I just say that? Oh well!)


Kathy @ Vodka and Soda said...

oh wow, that is awful! you're a lot nicer than me; i would have bailed within 10mins.

i once went on a date with guy who asked me to the movies. not only was he really late (i hate missing the previews!) but he told me - not asked me - to pay for his ticket because he didn't bring his wallet. WHAT GUY DOESN'T BRING A WALLET TO A FIRST DATE?!? i looked at him, turned around, walked back to my car and went home. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO' DAT!

sorry you had such a crappy time and sorry about your charger :(

Vodka and Soda

Rachel @ living m{e}y way said...

Schwaaaa?!?!?!!! Wow. That's just awful. And those iPhone 5 chargers are expensive! What a tool.

Sarah Wyland said...

Horrible horrible date! Ugh. I hate dating sometimes!

Elle Vee said...

Oh wow you scored there :|

Allison Leighann. said...

That's the most incredibly awful story I've ever heard about a first date. You poor girl. At least you've got a good story to tell people!

B Dav said...

This has got to the be the worst date story I have ever read/heard.
In life.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Britt @ One&20

City Life Attempter said...

What an idiot! You go girl for walking right out of there!!

Brittany Lea said...

Barf what a loser that guy is! Sorry you had to endure that! I can't believe he switched out the charger! Awful story! Next time will be better! :)

Emily Woodard said...

Oh my gosh! That's so awful. I'm sorry that you had to go through that! Ugh, what a jerk.

Asia Reynolds said...

Please tell me you're going back to that jerk's house to get your charger back!

Samantha @ Life is But a Stream of Thoughts said...

1. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?! (Any part of it!)
2. I'm really sorry that happened to you.
3. You already know you're too good for guys to treat you like that.

I'm honestly just shocked.

Kelly Louise said...

omg he is total piece of shit!!! wow