Friday, February 8, 2013

why I don't eat mushrooms

Why did the Mushroom get invited to all of the parties?
'Cause he's a fungi!

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But seriously guys, I'm funny. Come on... that was good...

For as long as I can remember, I have really disliked mushrooms. I've tried to like them - honestly, I have - but I just can't bring myself to enjoy them. The texture (especially when cooked) is just disgusting. Why are they slippery? It's confusing and gross at the same time.

I'm no mushroom-expert, but I'm pretty sure there are a lot of different kinds of mushrooms, and really... why? Isn't one kind enough? No? Well to me - they're all the same. Disgusting.
I don't like mushroom flavored things, raw mushrooms, cooked mushrooms, heck - I probably wouldn't even like the 'fun' kind of mushrooms that get you high (don't worry mom, I've never tried them!).

Like I said, I have tried to 'like' them numerous times since everyone in my life seems to be obsessed with them and I'm always the annoying kid who picks them out of my food. Basically every time I try and eat them, my face looks a little something like this:

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Fun fact: I made this EXACT same face when I tried a Caesar for the first time (and only time). That drink seriously should not exist, I'm pretty sure I hated it 100x more than any mushroom I've ever had. Legit.

The good thing about having people in my life who LOVE mushrooms: they eat them for me.
My cousin, Jennifer, and roommate, Amanda, are my go-to mushroom eaters. I don't have to worry about mushrooms being in any of my meals anymore because if I have one of them with me, they'll eat the mushrooms for me.
Note to self, requirement for future husband: must be willing to eat my mushrooms, but must not force me to cook them for him.

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Obviously mushrooms don't grow at such a rapid pace - but this GIF seriously creeps me out. Eww.

Somebody please tell me that they don't like mushrooms either. I feel like I'm the only person on this planet who doesn't like mushrooms. Anyone? Anyone at all? Bueller?

I feel like this post wouldn't be complete without a list of why mushrooms suck:

  • They're slimy - that's just not okay.
  • They taste mushroom-y. 'nough said.
  • They're fungi (yes, this fact makes for an oddly funny joke), I'm pretty sure that fungus is NOT meant to be consumed.
  • If we were supposed to eat mushrooms, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't grow in creepy dark places, under logs, buried in the dark depths of spooky forests...
  • Which is a perfect segue for my next reason.
  • Some of them are POISONOUS. Come on guys, lets be realistic. You could probably die get an upset tummy if you eat the wrong kind. Don't pick shrooms in the woods. Just say no.
  • The worst hairstyle known to mankind: the 'mushroom' cut.
  • Toadstool = fun way of saying "frog shit" Yes, I know that toads aren't frogs.
  • They look disgusting. I don't enjoy their phallic shape:

I'll end on that slightly inappropriate hilarious note. Friends, this is why I don't eat mushrooms.

Happy Friday - I hope it's mushroom free (it's the way to be)!


Staci said...

Hahahaha that last picture is hysterical!!

Brian D said...

I've always been disgusted by mushrooms as well. I'm making stir-fry tonight and will(must) pick out the frozen crap-nuggets from the stir-fry mix.
I enjoyed the trippy shrooms when I was becoming an adult, but I don't have time for that non-sense any longer.
Good post.