D stands for Douchebag

Disclaimer: mom, dad, aunti... if you are reading this, I'd encourage you to stop right now.

Oh hi there, blogland.

Today I'm going to get a little real with y'all and share a story that I probably shouldn't. However, this blog can't be full of sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops all the time. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the craziness that is my life...

On Saturday I went on a date with the biggest douchebag I've ever met.

I could end the story there, but where would the fun be in that? I mentioned on the blog yesterday that I'd be sharing this crazy story today, so I can't break that promise. Let me just start by saying that this guy didn't just steal a page chapter from the douchebag handbook, I'm pretty sure he wrote the darn thing.

The date started off like complete crap. I knew within 5 minutes of being in this guys presence that I was very uninterested and wanted to bail. But, being the 'nice girl' that I am, I decided to hang out with him for a little while and see where things would go. In hindsight, I should've listened to my intuition and gut feeling, but I didn't. Oops.



He lives about a 5 minute walk away from the beach, so we decided to take a walk down to the beach and walk along the path. The sun was setting, and the views were absolutely breathtaking - it sounds like it should be a romantic, or even sweet date, right? No. This guy could not form any kind of conversation, nor did he have any desire to get to know me. Honestly, he probably couldn't even tell you my name. Yeah..

I had to start ALL of the conversations and keep them going. He had zero desire to learn anything about me, and only cared to tell me about how much he loooooves partying, and hooking up with random girls. WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER. Who thinks it's okay to say this to a girl on a FIRST DATE (or any date for that matter)?
Lets call this Strike One.



After walking for about 10 minutes he appeared to get tired so we sat on a bench, staring out at the water (and right in front of a group of young girls who he proceeded to check out for 10-15 minutes). Again, no conversation except for any conversation that I initiated and he just sat there awkwardly - continuously checking out other girls, and when he thought I wasn't looking - checking me out (in a creepy way).
Shall we call this Strike Two?



As we continued to sit there, awkwardly, this guy pulled something out of his pocket. Whatever he was holding looked like a telescope and I was officially confused. After looking out at the water and making awkward conversation, again, for what seemed like eternity, the idiot unscrewed the top of the 'telescope' and took a giant swig. It turns out that his telescope was a flask, and homeboy went to town on drinking every last drop of whatever alcohol he had in there. Despite the fact that I'm not drinking alcohol for a few months (for weight-loss), I honestly wanted nothing more than to take the flask from his hands and chug it so that I could forget that this terrible date ever happened.
Strike Three.



Shall we proceed to cover strikes Ay through Zed? Yes, yes we shall.

I glanced at the time and decided that I couldn't spend anymore time with him so I made a comment about needing to pick up my roommate and that we should head back to the car. On the walk back, he brought up the fact that his phone was almost completely dead. He gave me this sob story about how his iPhone charger somehow died earlier that day and wanted to know if he could use my charger to charge his phone for a few minutes. I planned on just charging it in the car for 5 minutes and then taking off. However, again, he gave me a story about needing to use the washroom and asked if I could come up to his apartment for a bit so he could charge his phone.

Now before you give me an earful about how I made a stupid decision, don't waste your breath. I know I made a dumb mistake and I should've trusted my instinct, but for some reason I agreed to help him out and went up to his apartment for a bit. You could say that I'm a little naive, and I tend to see the best in people. I honestly thought that he needed a quick phone charge and then I'd leave.



We walk through the door, and he immediately plugs in his phone and runs to the washroom (where he stayed for 5-10 minutes, so I'm sure he was taking a crap because he's a classy broad like that). I took a minute to text my roommate and tell her to call me and get me out of this situation - so she did, told me she NEEDED me to come RIGHT NOW. I made it clear to this kid that I had to go. All I'm going to say is that he didn't really understand 'no means no' until I made it perfectly clear that I was walking out the door at that exact moment.



He was completely unimpressed that I was leaving, and handed me back my charger. I bolted out the door, stopped in the hallway to breathe a sigh of relief that I got out of there, and left to pick up my roommate.

Once Amanda got in the car, and attempted to use my charger, she asked why it was all sticky and turned on the light to take a closer look at it. And this, friends, is when I discovered that the douchebag of all douchebags had done the old switcheroo. He must have slipped my charger into his pocket, and used his broken charger to 'charge' his phone in front of me. That way, when I left, he handed me back the broken charger, and I bolted out the door because I was thankful to just get out alive.


This is the charger that douchebag gave to me.

To say I was angry would be the understatement of the century. I can laugh about it now, and honestly I think it's hilarious. However, this definitely goes down as the worst date that I've ever been on in my entire life, and hopefully I don't ever go on a worse date...

Please, someone, tell me that they've been on a terrible date as well?

In case anyone is wondering, I'm completely done with men boys for a loooong while.

Weekend Shenanigans

Happy Monday, everyone!



Well, friends, the weekend shenanigans are over and it's back to real life. This weekend was an interesting one. Saturday consisted of the worst date of my entire life, and probably the worst date of anyone's life. Don't worry, I'll be sharing that glorious story tomorrow, and you won't want to miss it.
Unfortunately, I completely forgot to take pictures most of the time, but these are the pictures that I have to share with you. Enjoy:



1. Cut a hole in the box.
2. Put your junk in that box.
3. Make her open the box.

Oops, wrong list.

1. Selfie
2. Eating dinner outside means that this little munchkin will be sitting beside me and watching every last bite.
3. Yet another selfie.
4. This guy has a sign that says 'Will you marry me?'. She said yes.
5. Three of my friends who ran the lululemon half marathon - this is at the end of the race.
6. He's so cute when he sleeps.
7. Road trip to Squamish with Amanda. We had Calamari, with a side of calamari. The waiter laughed at us.
8. I like my food to look like a rainbow. Food prep for the week.
9. If you workout and don't tweet/blog/instagram/facebook about it, did it really happen? Kidding. This is how I ended my Sunday.

And that is all she wrote, friends. See you all tomorrow. I promise you're not going to want to miss the dirty details of the date from hell.

Captain America, Pirates, and Jesus

So last night I was browsing the interwebz for a while - searching through mugshots. No, seriously.
I'm not going to name any names, but a friend wanted help trying to see if someone has been arrested and if they were/are currently on parole. During my search I came across some truly interesting mugshots, and I was encouraged to share some of this hilariousness... so here we go.


If I was a police officer, this is the EXACT way that I would make my grand entrance when busting someone.

Friendly Reminder: If you are arrested, your mugshot is able to be viewed by the public. There are public records, your picture is posted online, and if your mugshot is amusing - it could end up on a blog.
So don't do dumb shit don't get caught.

Captain Amurrrica


This guy is my favorite. This one is just too good. He was arrested for allegedly distributing Xanax on July 4th. At least homeboy is patriotic, I'll give him that.



Captain Jack Sparrow Meth


He's a pirate. Well, at least he thinks he's a pirate. He has fully committed to this lifestyle with those tattoos, so at least he is passionate about something. Unfortunately, he was also really passionate about meth.



Kangaroo Jack


He looks really creepy - but this poor guy was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was kind enough to return a lost driver's license that he had found, only to be promptly arrested for being in possession of a pipe used for smoking marijuana. Karma just wasn't on his side, at least he has a kangaroo on his face to cheer him up. I'd also like to point out that he's possibly naked under the vest (which just so happens to be the same color as his skin).



"Pep" the dog


This is real life. This poor dog, Pep, was arrested. Why? You ask. Well, it seems like Pep got a little hungry and ate the governor's wife's cherished cat. I'm not kidding you in the slightest bit right now. Pep served a life sentence without parole.



Jesus 'James' Christ


At first glance, you might think that this is an 'accurate depiction' of Jesus, to clarify - you'd be right. Apparently 'James' was arrested for impersonating Jesus. No James, you are Jesus... I'm convinced. Someone left a comment on this arrest post saying 'What if this really is Jesus? What if the first time we crucified and killed him and this time we arrested him?' Touche random concerned citizen, lets just hope that James is really just James, and not in fact Jesus. However, if I'm wrong and the man arrested is, in fact, Jesus... well I guess I'm sorry Jesus. I think I just said Jesus 10x. Jesus.

To summarize - if you get arrested, I will find your mugshot, and if you look crazy, I'll probably make fun of you. Again, don't do dumb shit DON'T GET CAUGHT.

Aracnophobia Anyone?

Warning: post contains foul language, and a creepy eight-legged freak.

Happy hump day, friends.

It's story time. Now before you get all excited thinking that my pants fell down while running for the bus, again... it's not that kind of story. No, this story is a very true, and very creepy story. The kind where you might not like me anymore if you keep reading. So, if you're not interested in reading about last weeks spider incident - leave now. If you stay, don't say I didn't warn you. Seriously.

So last Friday, while getting ready for work before 6:00am, I got out of the shower and headed into my bedroom to start getting ready for work. I turned my light on, closed my door, and BAM. There he was. That douchebag just sat there, sitting by my door, staring at me and taunting me with his over abundance of legs. WHY DO SPIDERS NEED EIGHT LEGS? Humans survive with two legs... do they really need 4x the normal amount? No. The answer is no.

Okay, so I see the spider, and panic. Normally I have no problem catching a spider with a glass and taking it outside to set it free, or flush it down the toilet - whatever method I find appropriate at the time. But not this time. No no no, this time I wasn't staring at a spider, I was staring at a small dog. Seriously though, look at this beast.




That's a loonie aka a Canadian $1 coin for any of you American readers.

Not one single part of this is okay. So I formed my tactical plan, i.e. slowly opening the door (so I don't scare him and have him run into my closet), running to the kitchen to grab a glass and running back to trap him. Slight problem was that I underestimated his size and my glass was NOT big enough. Not to mention the fact that I was so stunned that I stood there staring at him for probably 5 minutes before I heard my roommate open her bedroom door. I then proceeded to force her to trap him because I just couldn't do it. We had to use a yogurt container because he was TOO BIG to trap inside of a glass. So then I did what any normal person would do... I let him sit there, all day, so he could think about what he had done. In hindsight, I honestly feel bad for leaving him all day - but I just could NOT handle that at 6:00am...

When I came home, I turned to Facebook and texting a few 'men' I know to see if anyone would save me. Nope.
So I went upstairs to see if my landlord or his son were home. Nope.
Poor Juliette, Allie, and Sami had to have the play-by-play of this entire debacle, and they were getting live pictures and videos. Yeah, sorry guys. Not to mention that one of Juliette's biggest fears are spiders.



Anyway... I did what any normal person blogger would do. I took pictures of him, I took pictures WITH him, and then I videotaped my mission to get rid of him. Side-note: I've decided that nobody (except the few people I sent them to) ever needs to see these videos. I screamed like a girl, watched the spider dance, and then almost had an anxiety attack.

All of the spider GIF's that I made were so creepy and terrifying, so I put a filter on this bad boy and made it look like a dance party. This is definitely the weirdest GIF you will see on the interwebz today, and possibly ever.. I'm sorry for that.

Since I said I took pictures with it, I figured I should show you that too...

Now I'm done with the spider. Forever.

5 selfies you should have on your phone

Oh hey, Tuesday.
I'm not going to lie, I was pretty stoked to not have to work yesterday. Thank you Canada for an extra holiday weekend. Sorry to all of you Americans who worked yesterday. But today is my 'Monday' so don't feel too mad.

So last night I was preparing a post (which I I will share later this week) and got distracted by the selfies that I saw uploading from my phone to my computer. Fun fact: I'm guilty of taking super cool selfies. Seriously, I can't even.
So just sit back, relax, and take note of these 5 trendy seflies poses.

Warning: This post contains so much cool, it hurts. Just call me Cool Ethan.
If anyone actually knows what movie Cool Ethan is from, you are my new best friend.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Here are 5 Selfies you should have on your phone.



ONE. Duck face. Everybody HATES this face, but people keep doing it. I mean, only some people - like me - can pull it off. I'm pretty sure I nailed it.

TWO. Model. Everybody loves to strike their best model pose. I mean, purse those lips and smize, girl, smize. I'm pretty sure Tyra Banks would love this. Sierra and I should teach a modelling 101 class.



THREE. Token mirror shot. I'm pretty sure if you don't have a picture in the mirror, you're not cool. Some people take pictures in the bathroom - some in a dressing room, I opt for my super little and super dusty mirror that sits on my desk. This is the new trend, you're welcome. Just kidding, but seriously.

Some people take mirror shots like this [left], but I like my way [right].



FOUR. Look at my pet! Everyone posts pictures with their animals - dog, cats, even bunny rabbits. Since Roscoe refuses to take a nice picture with me, I took pictures with my other pet. I mean look at that thing, it's big enough to be a small dog. Eww, gross. Mr. Spider is gone now, so it's all good.

This is as close as I've gotten to getting a picture with Roscoe [left], so I settled for this.. [right].



FIVE. Cute-Funny face. Every girl needs to have a 'funny face' picture. It shows your fun and cute side. I'm clearly really good at making myself look cute.



*disclaimer: this entire post was a joke. if you couldn't tell that, then I'm sorry but you suck at sarcasm. I'll be the first to admit that I take too many selfies. So I'm pretty sure that I should create a Match.com profile and use all of these pictures, right now. Yep.
See you all tomorrow.