Why You Should #backthatazzup in California

HAPPY MOTHER-LOVIN' FRIDAY, FRIENDS.
Sorry, I just got really excited for a hot minute. But I'm not really that excited because it means that my vacation is coming to an end.. oh well.

I have one last fabulously fantastic friend (I'm using all the F-words for Friday) who has written a guest post for all of you today. I love this girl, I just do.. and you'll quickly see why.

Juliette is SO going to hate me for this, but here is the e-mail that she sent with the guest post:

Faith. I don't know why this was so freaking hard. I mean I feel like I need three drinks to get over the stress of writing it. Just kidding, I just want three drinks. Ok fine I want five drinks. If you hate it you don't have to use it. I might get drunk and send you seven more.
This is a prime example of why I enjoy her. Okay never mind, "enjoy" sounds creepy.. Moving on.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, all of Faith's readers! I'm Juliette, and I'm usually over at The Other Juliette posting stories about how I can't flirt, the bad dates I've been on, and my obsession with googly eyes. This is me.

The lovely Faith asked me to write a guest post for her while she's off gallivanting on Canada's East Coast, so you're stuck with me today. I probably shouldn't tell you that this is the first guest post I've ever done, but oh look, here I am telling you anyway. Whoops. Let's just dive on in, ya ready? Faith told me recently that she really wants to go to California someday, and I just happen to live in California, so I'm trying to convince her to visit (move) here. So let's crank some tunes (because we're obviously linking up with Whitney and backing our azzes up) and talk about why Faith (and you!) should visit California; specifically the Central Coast.



-The beach. Duh. I love going to the beach on a Saturday morning and eating a Belgian waffle and drinking a mimosa. I mean, it's the best. Plus, in this area there isn't any traffic and you don't have to walk 5 miles to get to the water. Plus, alcohol affects you more if you're breathing salt air while you drink it. If you want proof you'll have to come here and I'll show you.

-Bubblegum Alley. It's pretty much just what it sounds like: a whole alley with chewed bubblegum covering both sides. It sounds gross, but you really need to see it. And if you love bubblegum like I do then you'll really like it. And when you come see it maybe we'll have to stick some googly eyes on some chewed up gum.

-Oprah called San Luis Obispo the happiest city in the country. Not even a lie.

-We have nine volcanic peaks. Really, they just look like hills and mountains, but they're volcanic peaks. How cool is that?

Are you convinced yet? Fine, I'll keep going.

-It's a college town so we have a lot of bars. And they're all within walking distance from each other, which is really convenient.

-I'm here. I mean, if you don't know me then this might not be a selling point, but just take Faith's word on it. I mean, she asked me to write this so she probably wants to come visit me, right?

That's all I have for now, because I think the song is ending soon. Don't worry, you'll be back to your regularly scheduled programming with Faith before you know it! But I hope you'll come visit me in my little corner of the interweb, because I'd love to see you!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You love her, right? How could you not? Go visit her blog right now and read her hilarious posts. Especially any post about googly eyes - those are my favorite.
I'll be back on Monday for some Vacation Shenanigans!

Things Sarah Has Faith In...

Hey blog, heyyyy.

I have a ridiculously wonderfully awesome treat for you today. I have Sarah on my blog today, and let me just tell you.. I love this girl. This post is pure gold and I completely and 100% agree with everything that she has written... and I, too, have faith in these things.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi faithful Faith readers!

(yes go ahead and brace yourself for a lot of that kind of annoying nonsense in this post)

I'm Sarah from Venus Trapped in Mars! You can call me Sarah, or Venus, or Maybe... any of those are fine. While Faith is gallivanting back in her home town this week, she asked me to say a few words. 

faith  

/fāTH/

Complete trust or confidence in something or someone.

So here are some things I always, and will always, have faith in...

If I don't start a diet on Monday, I may as well just binge eat for the next 7 days. Wednesday diet starters, what is that all about? If you start on Wednesday, then you are really only getting in two solid days of dieting because we all know Friday, Saturday and Sunday is a no go. So you may as well just wait until Monday. You wouldn't want to blow all of your Wednesday and Thursday progress, ya know?

Never fails. Just screaming crying. I have gotten to the point where I absolutely REFUSE to even watch the movie because it makes me so depressed for the next several hours. 

Yet they continue to get into a busy self checkout line. Why is this so difficult? Is it because it is a touch screen and not a typewriter? I assure you a typewriter is actually far more difficult to use than a touch screen. 

Step One: Scan rewards card

Step two: scan groceries

step three: place item in bagging area

Step four: pay

Why is that impossible for old people??? 

How my mind works on days I bring gym clothes to work with me, with the intention of working out. 

Do I want to go to the gym, do I want to go to happy hour...

Do I want to go to the gym, do I want to go to happy hour...

Do I want to go to the gym, do I want to go to happy hour...

Do I want to go to the gym, do I want to go to happy hour...

Do I want to go to the gym, do I want to go to happy hour...

Do I want to go to the gym, do I want to go to happy hour...

Do I want to go to the gym, do I want to go to happy hour...

Do I want to go to the gym, do I want to go to happy hour...

Do I want to go to the gym, do I want to go to happy hour... 

I hear stories about people who give up diet coke. How? How do you do that? They said they gave it up because there are so many chemicals, it can clean rust away, it will cause cancer.....

My response, "Oh well. Pass me another"

I don't travel that frequently for work, but when I do travel it is for very long periods of time. No hotel room has Bravo, ever. It is really very sad and I panic when I don't have the real housewives. Full on panic mode. In turn, I'm forced to stay off twitter because I will be sad when people start tweeting about how nuts Gretchen is or where Vicky is peeing this time. Stupid hotel rooms. 

Now that is something I can for sure always have Faith in! Come see me will ya???? 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Art of Procrastination

Happy Tuesdayyyy.

Since I'm still not around blogland, because I'm off on vacation - having fun, I've got another fabulous guest blogger for you today. Patricia is one of my favorite bloggers and you'll quickly see why. I love the post that she's written for all of you today. I'll shut up and let her take it away...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Hey Ladies! My name is Patricia, and I'm super excited to guest posting for Faith today! She's one of my favorite bloggers. I'm an American girl who studied abroad in college, fell madly in love with a man who barely spoke English my first week there, and moved to France after graduation to marry that hunk. I sound kind of corny already, don't I? I blog over at Kisses & Croissants about culture shock, making a fool of myself while speaking Franglais, and day-to-day life as a Madame!

Let's start off with a confession: I put off writing this post until the last minute. Faith's blog is awesome, and I wanted this to be just right. If you ask me, procrastination gets a bad rap. Granted, sometimes putting things off will get you into trouble, i.e. putting off your 20 page term paper until the night before it's due. Wikipedia, bull crap, and fairy dust will only get you so far friends. But for the most part, the disadvantages of procrastination have been vastly exaggerated by your high school teachers. There are some pretty solid arguments for practicing the art of procrastination a little more often in your lives. Here we go!

1. Sometimes jumping the gun, makes you look like an idiot.

I have been here more times than I would like to admit. It looks like a great deal, and if I don't buy/do/hear/touch it right now, I'll miss my chance. This is how I almost ended up with pretty purple work pants that don't go with anything - at all - in my wardrobe. They were on sale, super cheap, and only had one pair left in my size. However, I put off buying them, and my wallet is still thanking me. Good crap, who needs purple work pants? No one. Procrastination saved the day.

2. Something better might come along.

I didn't spend my money on those pants. But I did find 2 cute swimsuits on sale at H&M later that made me really, really glad I didn't blow my extremely limited budget on purple work pants. Guess how much the swimsuits were? 3€!!! That my friends is a steal.

3. Time constraints make you realize what's really important.

When you've only got a few minutes left to get your guest post to Faith, you're probably going to cut all the bull crap. There's also a good chance that your post won't end up horribly long winded. Sometimes, when I write my posts in advance. I just keep going on and on. It's embarrassing. Then I edit it, and realize that I have more things to say.

4. You get to put off doing stuff that sucks, in order to do stuff you actually like.

Obviously. This is why you're procrastinating in the first place. Writing term papers sucks. Starting early and spending three weeks obsessing over the details is not going to make it anymore fun. You should probably hang out with your friends or go to the lake instead. This sounds like terrible advice, but let me explain. You' starting your paper early so that you have plenty of time to finish it

5. Sometimes the problem solves itself, without you making any effort at all.

Sadly, Time will not write your term paper for you. However, put yourself in this scenario. You've been asked/forced to participate in a community choir, and they tell everybody that they need to wear green clogs for the performance. One of two wonderful things could happen here, if you put off buying those clogs. Maybe the performance will be canceled at the last minute, and buying those ugly green clogs would have been a waste of money. Better yet, you'll just show up the day of the performance with no clogs, people will get over it, and they'll learn not to try to force you to join the community choir next year. Problem solved.

See? Doesn't sound so bad, right? A huge thank you to Faith for giving me this opportunity! She's such a sweetheart. I'd love for you to stop on by and say hi, if you get the chance.

Ciao friends!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you so much, Patricia. I could definitely apply this entire post to my life. I'm a HUGE procrastinator in a baaaad way. I should fix this, but I'll worry about that later.. obviously.

5 Embarassing Things I Did As A Child

Happy Monday lovelies!

I'm off gallivanting in Nova Scotia all week. As a result, I won't be around these blog parts but I have some amazing and hilarious bloggers covering for me. I'm starting this week off with one of my favorite bloggers, Stephanie. She has a ridiculously cute dog, she might be able to out-drink me (maybe), and writes amazing lists that I can always relate to. I'll stop wasting your time and let Stephanie take it away!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hey there faith fans!  i'm stephanie and i blog at bourbon and glitter and i'm filling in for faith today while she's out of town.  please, try to hide your disappointment.  now, i'd like to think you want to know all about me and my blog but i've been around long enough to know that you just...don't.  so instead, i'm going to tell you about

5 embarrassing things i did as a child.

1. ate dog treats.  for real though, they taste like jerky.  dogs don't know it's not bacon?  well neither did 6 year old stephanie.

2. ran away from home to sit at the park.  like my parents would be worried about me in lincolnwood.    it's basically mayberry minus the sweet tea.  also, i just left.  as if i was just going to a friends house on my bike, like i always did.  i didn't leave a note or throw a tantrum when i left.  or take anything.  i just left, and then got confused when i came home and they didn't notice i 'ran away.'

3. dug through the garbage to find my retainer at school.  my mother threatened me if i lost one more retainer so i freaked when i threw it out with my lunch tray.  i made my best friend amanda spend the next two class periods digging through school garbage with me to find it.  found it, refused to put it in my mouth ever again anyway.

4. i wouldn't play with other kids.  this was a total ocd move on my part, but i had to look like the strangest child ever.  i would stand with my teacher during recess, every day of kindergarten, in my adorable dresses and refuse to play with the other kids on the playground equipment "because it was dirty."  also i have straight up never finger painted in my life.  ew.

5. assumed anyone with short hair was a boy.  i insisted that i had a friend in daycare that was a boy named elizabeth.  uh no, baby stephanie.  just because every girl does not have hair down to their ass like you do, does not make them a boy.

you're welcome.  i'm just hoping i'm not the only one...  anyway, maybe you'll come visit me now, maybe even to read the 7 things you should be afraid of, but if not, i hope you enjoyed the embarrassing moments from my life!  thanks for having me faith!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks so much for agreeing to cover for me today, Stephanie! I laughed so hard when I read this list, and I knew it was going to be a good one for blog.

p.s. you don't want to miss tomorrow, it may or may not be about procrastination, which is something that I STRUGGLE with.

Retirement Ramblings Part II

Happy Hump Day!

I know I told you all last week that dad was going to be posting for my once a month, or every few weeks... but I really felt like this story needed to be shared sooner rather than later. This is a situation that happened to my dad in the Spring of 2010. He sent this EXACT e-mail to everyone in my family and I remember laughing so hard and forwarding it to a few of my colleagues immediately. Enjoy!

Take it away Daddy!

*P.S. Sorry for the ridiculous gif's dad, I thought they added a little pizzazz*

I thought I'd share a workplace adventure that took place in April 2012. Here is a post-adventure email that I sent to the facilities manager at my workplace.

..............................
Date: April, 2012
From: Peter Bowyer
To: Everyone

Subject: Washroom Debacle

While I had noticed the modifications that have been made to the men's washroom, I had never taken particular care to observe the subtle details of the workings of those changes.

As in dozens (hundred?) of times before, I entered the washroom and observed that my entering triggered the interior lights to come on. The purpose of my visit required the use of a stall. While involved in a spell of brief contemplation I observed that the main lights went out, clearly as a result of a timer. No worries as the emergency lighting was still on. This did not afford much lighting in the stall, however, much lightning was not required.

While engaged in contemplation someone else came into the washroom, thereby, enabling the full washroom lighting once again. His (I assume it was a male) sojourn was brief and he left. Within a brief period the main lightning extinguished, leaving me in the once-again dim glow of the emergency lighting.

Apparently, my "contemplation" period exceeded the scheduled tolerance because while I was still in-stalled, the emergency lights also timed out (unfortunately, I wasn't looking at my watch to know what the end of the tolerance window was). As well, since I chose to not take my blackberry with me in order to enjoy a purer form of contemplation, I was in pitch blackness … no blackberry light was available to come to my rescue.

Having been somewhat observant in the weeks leading up to today's adventure, I had noticed a device in the upper corner of the washroom, and had wondered if it was either a motion or sound detector. I clapped my hands; it was not a sound detector. Blackness prevailed.

Unfortunately, I was a particularly undignified stage of my business rendering me incapable of standing in order to wave my arms to test if the device was a motion detector. Waving my feet out of the stall door was ineffective and my conclusion was that perhaps motion needed to happen at a higher level. So, in the dark, I extracted a toilet paper roll from the newly installed dispenser (one which I had never closely examined … so the extraction was a non-trivial process in the dark). Once extracted, I tossed it in the air in such a way that it would trip the potential motion-detector, and then fall straight back into my awaiting arms (in the dark). Here's where the adventure occurred … it was the only roll in the stall … and my stage of business demanded that I not lose hold of this particular roll.

The story had a happy ending because, sure enough, the device was a motion detector. The ascending roll turned on the lights in time for me to see the descending roll so that I could confidently catch it. Happily, everything came out all right (pun intended).

Lessons learned?

Take your BB with you to the washroom even if you seek pure contemplation … you never know when a little light will come in handy.

Study the toilet paper dispenser carefully in the light in the event that you need to make a roll-extraction in the dark.

Practice throwing toilet paper rolls so that they go straight up and come straight back down.

Observe multiple sequences of the twin-lightning timers in order to know confidently what the windows of tolerance (opportunity) actually are.

Train yourself to complete all business within those windows of opportunity.

Work is never a dull place if you're open to adventure! But I do wonder if our search for efficiency has gone just a tad too far?

Retirement Ramblings Part I

Happy Hump Day lovelies!

My dad sent me an e-mail last week - now that he is newly retired, he has a little bit more time on his hands to do the things he never used to be able to do. He told me that he read all of my blog posts and loved everything that I had written so far (aww, thanks daddy) - he then asked if he could write a guest blog post. Of course I immediately said yes - and then we decided that he would do a guest blog post at least once a month. He's got a ton of funny stories to share from his 30+ years working for Environment Canada.

Without further adieu, here is dad's first ever blog post:

Spreadsheets Tell You the Ugly Truth

I love spreadsheets.

Seriously, I’m a spreadsheet guy. Call it what you will: quirkiness; misguided interest; signs of a misspent youth; character flaw; or just plain lame. I love spreadsheets. While others engage in hobbies like sports, gambling, knitting, reading, driving, and movie-going, I play with spreadsheets.
More on this later.

So at the beginning of each year the municipal tax office sends me my property tax assessment. This includes a statement of what they believe to be the retail value of my house as well as the assessed value for tax purposes. They swear (and have done for the 3 decades we have owned houses) that there is no link between property tax and house assessment. They seriously must think we’re idiots. OF COURSE there is a link. Duh!

Anyway, we just got our assessment and I was, well, shocked … in an ecstatic kind of way. I know what we paid for the house … and with some mental arithmetic (not math … just arithmetic) I determined that, if they were right, then our assets had increased by $145,300 in just 8½ years. Wahoo! That’s an impressive average gain of just over $17,000 per year. I imagined myself trying to build up a savings account at that rate. I imagined having a savings account at all.

Now I’m an optimist. Not a goofy Pollyanna kind of optimist, but a results-based optimist. The difference between the two is that a results-based optimist is one who believes that things can and will get better, but he believes that while accepting the stark reality of the world in which he lives. I don’t look at the world through rose-coloured glasses. My career as a science guy has bred into me a healthy respect for data … and data are neither positive nor negative … they are just data. And where there are data, there is a grand use for spreadsheets.

I decided to put my spreadsheet hobby to use and create an elegantly simple construction of a cells and formulae that would calculate for me the reality (the truth) of my newfound assets, after weighing in the not-so-hidden liabilities inevitable when choosing a house over an apartment. We begin with my mortgage payments, averaging about $1200/month since we bought our house … a price that is comparable to the rent of a decent 2/3-bedroom apartment with underground parking. With the monthly mortgage payments swapping out for the rent, I pondered what other costs there have been that were unique to owning my house … costs that would have never arisen had we been renting an apartment. Turns out there were a few, all of which I fired into the spreadsheet.

The first one that came to mind was the water heater which chose to burst on December 22 … yes 3 days before Christmas … which set us back $740 to replace. If we had been in an apartment we would have never seen that cost. Next I thought about the $4,169 that we spent 18 months earlier to replace the furnace when it had given out. And of course that quickly reminded me of the $8,263 and $9,335 that we spent only a year before that to replace the roof and windows, respectively. Now I was on a roll: there was the $5,647 for new appliances since moving in and $1,800 for replacing a couple of those already (they just don’t make stuff like they used to); there was the $12,000 to turn an unfinished basement into fully finished; and of course the $10,000 in other renovations and home improvements along the way (paint, flooring and counter-tops aren’t cheap).



Phew … my profits were vanishing before my eyes. That’s when I started thinking about the routine stuff that an apartment dweller would never see, such as the $4,800 on lawn care that I’ve coughed up in the 8.5 years, not to mention the $33,600 in property taxes that my municipal government dogmatically declares is unconnected to my property value. Then my wife Debbie said, “and don’t forget the extra costs for power, oil and water that we pay compared to those lucky apartment people!” Crap! Even if I guestimated a monthly utility for apartment dwellers to be $150, my total costs for just those 3 “amenities” EXCEEDS theirs by another $25,249. I was quickly becoming a lapsed optimist. That’s when the dark side got hold of me and I started nickel-and-diming my “good fortune” to the point where I estimated that I’ve likely spent $800 in additional gas because of the idling in my driveway each year while I clear the ice and snow from my car windshield … something that underground parking would negate.

The final bit of reality hit when it occurred to me that in order to realize any of these “assets” I would need to sell my house in order to liberate said-equity. MLS listing fees are 6% (sure, you can do better, but experience says that the quickest and best sales come with the benefits of those fees). I intentionally withheld my assessed “retail value” until now: $400,100. The 6% fees on a full-price sale would be $24,006.

If you have taken the trouble to use even an abacus (you don’t need a fancy spreadsheet for this) you already know that my net profit on the house sits not at $145,300 … but rather, at an incredibly depressing $4,931!

Are you kidding me? That’s what I get for the 510 hours of renovations that I have personally put into the house … and the 300 hours of lawn care (35 hrs/year) … and the 120 hours of snow shoveling (15 hrs/year) … and the 52 hrs of windshield snow/ice clearing (30 min/week during the winter months) … and the 442 hrs of additional cleaning that a 4000+ sq.ft. house required over an apartment?

My wicked spreadsheet taunted me with the ridiculous reality that we put 1424 of extra house-only hours into a house that has netted us $4,931, for an effective wage of $3.46/hour. My final salary before retirement was 15x that … and my consulting fees are already coming in at more than 40x that.

I told Deb that my daughter is a genius because she lives in an apartment and that we need to do the same. ASAP!!!!!! (superfluous exclamation marks for effect) She said, “you’ve been playing on your spreadsheets again, haven’t you? Why don’t you take a break from that for a while because the snow’s really coming down and you need to go out and start shoveling?”

Before putting on my boots and gloves I went and deleted Excel from my computer and punched the monitor.



I hate spreadsheets.

Hot Burners and Smart Cars

Hey Faith-ful followers! (see what I did there?)

Amanda here from The PR Life! Lucky for you all, I am Faith's best friend and roommate, which makes it easy for me to influence a guest post :)

After Faith's ridiculous post yesterday regarding getting realllllly ugly upon walking in the door - which I too, am guilty of - I knew the story I'm about to share with you had to be posted on her blog.

This morning I skipped my 4:30 gym wake up call (I really need to get to bed earlier tonight!) so I could sleep in - and sleep in I did! When I finally rolled out of bed at 6:30 I rushed to get ready, do my hair, cook some eggs for breakfast - it's the most important meal of the day after all - pack my lunch and get out the door in 30 minutes so I could catch the early bus to work.

All was well as I grabbed my umbrella and locked the door behind me at 7:03. As I rushed out the side door to the bus stop I smelled something from the neighbour's house that was kind of a mix of pancakes and burnt toast... which instantly triggered the question "did I turn the stove off?"

I don't know about you - but when I get a thought in my head that I can't confirm I know to be true... and especially those questions that have to do with burning your house down - I can't get them out of my head.

I said to myself "Amanda, don't be so foolish - you always turn the stove off - it's off!" So I kept walking and rushed to the bus stop just in time to catch the bus and hopped on. Any other day this would have been amazing! Like a high-five the bus driver kinda moment.... errr okay maybe not that far, it was 7am after all.

So I sat down on the bus while my subconscious (the devil if you will) kept throwing this in my face:

While my rational side (the cute little angel) kept reassuring me with flashes of this visual:

I tried to push the fear of burning my house down to the back of my mind while the bus sauntered across the bridge into downtown. I mean obviously I turned it off because I always do. And I even washed the dishes and cleaned up before I left… but I still wasn’t convinced that I turned to stove off.

So at 7:25 I got off the bus at Robson and Hamilton – grabbed the nearest car2go (see below for visual) - and rushed home in rush hour to open the door at 7:42 to see yup, stove was off.

The angel sat on my shoulder with a smug grin on her face saying "told you so!"

Since I was home I hopped in my car (might as well pay for parking and have my car after work now versus paying for a car2go to take me back downtown).

Once I pulled into the parkade, I rushed up to my office and got to work at exactly 7:58.

Yup, allllllll of that can be done in 35 minutes.

Lesson of the day: Trust your gut instinct and don't worry so much. Oh, and check the stove twice three times before leaving the house next time.

Amanda