weightloss is a rewarding struggle

It's basically like I'm writing this post "for the future" since it's Sunday afternoon and I decided to chill at Starbucks and get some writing done vs. waiting until the last possible minute and rushing something that would come out half-assed (how's that for a run-on sentence? ha). I haven't even written Monday's weekend recap post yet, but I wanted to write something a little more meaningful than what I spent my weekend doing. Anyway, I'm going to take things to a more 'serious' level today.

I haven't done any kind of health or fitness related post lately and I've had a few people mention to me that these kinds of posts are their favorite... So here I am. I'm not ready to talk about numbers with y'all... yet. But, I promise that I will do an actual post with numbers (meaning pounds lost, and possibly inches lost too) very soon. I am almost at a pretty huge milestone and as a celebratory post, y'all will get that kind of update.


It's crazy how much the shape of your face can change. I made this comparison for my dad this weekend.

So back in September, Amanda and I committed to doing a pretty intense 90-day challenge of cleaning eating, ramping up our workouts, and cutting out alcohol. I'm pleased to say that we have stuck with is, and we are almost 2/3 of the way finished. I'm not going to lie, we have splurged a few times and had a few "cheat meals" and an alcoholic beverage or two - but I am convincing myself not to feel bad about these choices.

I have learned a lot during this challenge, and I have learned what my body can handle and what it can't handle. Speaking of which, there isn't much that it can't handle. It's just the mentality that I "can't" do things. I'm doing things that I never thought I could do - physically and mentally - and trying to learn to try new things instead of convincing myself that I can't do them.


This picture totally stretched when I uploaded it... boo. But you still get the point.

Accountability, finding motivation, and dealing with the mental battle/struggles are the hardest parts of this journey for me. It's easy to get "down" on yourself and feel like you're not making good progress, or that one of your friends is losing weight faster (and seemingly easier) than you are. It's easy to tell yourself that you're not good enough and that you won't reach your goals. It's easy to hit snooze on the alarm and not get up and workout because "it's only one day, and one day doesn't count". It's easy to come home from work and not want to workout because you're tired and it was a long day at the office. It's easy to look in the mirror and see the same 'fat girl' staring back at you. The truth is that this whole journey and transformation isn't easy. It's hard. This is hands down the hardest thing I've ever done, but it is also the most amazing thing I've ever done for myself.

I have so much support behind me from family, friends, and even this blog, and I am so grateful for all of you every single day. However, most people don't see the struggles that I go through on a daily basis, or the amount of work I put into losing weight and exercising. I will get comments, texts, etc. from friends telling me that it must be nice to finally be "small" (which is not the truth, I'm only half way there). Telling me that they could never do it. Making comments about how easily I dropped the weight. Giving me excuses or reasons why I could lose weight, but they can't. Dealing with these kinds of comments and remarks is downright hard. This isn't a walk in the park for me.
I struggle. A lot.



I promised myself that I would be 100% open and honest about this entire journey, and I do my best to show that through my blog, Facebook, and instagram. I'm trying to be as real and honest with y'all as I possibly can. So let me reiterate all of this for you: this is hard.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not complaining or whining about the process. As hard as it is, and even though I have days where I want to quit, this is the best thing I've ever done and I'm loving every minute of it. If you are trying to lose weight, please don't compare yourself to me, or anyone else. If you're just starting out or if you have been doing it for a while - do not compare yourself to anyone except yourself. I find it easy to scroll through fitness accounts on instagram and give myself a hard time for not looking like those people. My way to avoid this is to remember how far I have come and how far I will have gone when I reach my goal weight. I compare myself to the 'old' me. Not anyone else.
But most importantly, I try and remember this quote:



I think I have rambled long enough, so I will leave you with this. Whether you are wanting to lose weight, just getting started, or have been doing this for a while: remember to believe in yourself and don't be so harsh on your progress. We all have to start somewhere. If you have any questions, or if you want help with ways to eat clean, exercise, or just to talk about wanting to lose weight or where you are in your journey right now - please feel free to reach out to me. I'd love to help in any way that I can.

If I'm Walking Funny, Blame It On The Pizza

HAPPY HUMP DAY, FRIENDS
Whoa, sorry I yelled at you. I was excited.


{ Source }

The title says it all. Honestly, it does. It wasn't a typo or anything.

If I'm walking funny, blame it on the pizza.

Now I'm sure you're wondering What the eff does this mean? Well, well, well... let me enlighten you.

As some of you may or may not remember, I made a decision a little while ago to lose weight. I put myself out there and shared my Vulnerable Truth with the world.

I can assure you all that I have been staying true to my promise/vow that I would lose weight. I workout 4-5x per week and I'm feeling much better. I'm feeling stronger, a bit more confident in my body and my abilities to do things. I'm doing my best to eat as 'Clean' as possible. I have cut out alcohol completely (since May 1st), I've cut out bread/bagels (except for the two times I had Subway), and my daily snacks consist of: fruit, veggies, or nuts.

However, as good as I want to be, I still relapse or have really ridiculous cravings. This particular craving, for pizza, started about 2-3 weeks. It was just a thought that popped in my head on day,'mmmm pizza sounds good right now', and it hasn't left my head since. Normally if I get a craving, or have some kind of urge to eat something really bad, I will just go ahead and push it out of my head, have a small bite, or just chug some H2O and pray that my brain will start craving veggies (maybe one of these days). But nope. Not this time. My brain will not shut off the 'I want pizza, I want pizza, I WANT PIZZA' thoughts. It's rude, actually.

On Monday night, I finally had enough. During my workout, I managed to do 200 squats.. so I did 50 more, hoping to get rid of the pizza thoughts. 50 squats later, I'm craving pizza even more than before. So after grumbling about it for five minutes, I decide to give myself a challenge/goal/deal/bet/whatever the heck you want to call it.
If I do 1,000 squats by Friday - I can have pizza.
Boom. And just like that, challenge accepted.


Chicken, and green peppers, and goat cheese - oh my!

I know what you're thinking - squats will NOT compensate for the calories in the pizza that I will consume. You're totally right, and I know that. However, squats are good for you, and if I'm going to cave and have pizza anyway - I might as well do something slightly beneficial to my health in the process. Right? Am I crazy for thinking this way? Probably...
So far, I'm more than halfway to my goal - 550/1,000 squats completed. I'm not walking funny.. yet, and I'm actually feeling great, so far. In case you were wondering, I am determined to do this. Also, when the heck did I become this person? haha I don't even know who I am anymore. Whatever, come hell or high water (or 1,000 squats) I WILL have pizza on Friday night. Yes, yes I will.

Is it Friday yet? Dang it.

p.s. who in the world actually writes an entire post about pizza... and squats?

Ashley's Vulnerable Truth

Happy Good Friday, lovelies!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

To say that I'm overwhelmed by the response that I received from Yesterday's Post, would be an understatement. Thank-You.
The tweets, texts, e-mails, messages, and comments that you all sent to me touched my heart more than you know.

________________________________________________________________________

One of my best friends from back home, Ashley, reached out to me yesterday and asked if she could share her story on my blog. I'm so insanely proud of her for having the courage to put herself out there like this and I know how hard it is. Ashley, I love you and thank you for supporting me and making this commitment for yourself.

For those of you who don't know Ashley, she is my brother's girlfriend, one of my best friends, and the sister I never had:





Shes an Inspiration,

Cold Hard Truth

Recently, very recently, my friend and sister poured her most gut wrenching thoughts and feelings onto this very page. I am so very proud of her and thankful for her courage. I, not having a blog, immediately started thinking,
"I, too, need to make a change".
You see my friends, I am the queen of "Duckface". Which basically means contorting my body so it looks smaller in pictures (even if I move in 50 directions to get it), Tyra Banks would be proud. You are hard pressed to find a picture of me on Facebook that I have not prescreened. Should I be tagged in an unsightly picture, (cough Debbie cough), there is a tag no more. I have been in denial for a long time because of this.





Thin to Chubby

I was a thin girl until grade 6. I was always active but larger than the rest. At 14 I was obsessing over my weight, convinced I was as big as a house. Looking back at those pictures, I would truly love to slap that girl.
The weight truly hit in high school when I started to eat at the fast food restaurent I worked at. The day I noticed, I was in shock. I went from 160 pounds to 180 over night! How did this happen? Why didn't I notice?
Unfortunately there was no more activity to counter the continuing transformation.



Boyfriend

7 years ago, I met a wonderful boy Christian, who happens to be Faith's older brother. As you know from Faith's post, he came from a pleasently plump family.
Christian himself was large at one point. He worked extremely hard to lose all the weight before I met him.
Because of that way of life, he enjoys a "curvy" woman. He had never judged me for my weight and actually protested against losing it, until recently.
I have been on this earth for 24 years but have the body and energy of a 50 year old. If I'm still awake by 10:30pm on a friday night, it's either because: we're at a late movie, or hell has frozen over.
I am constantly uphappy with roll 2, 3, and 4, and he has had the unfortunate duty of listening. I no longer get " you are beautiful the way you are ". I now get "do something about it".
Harsh, right? Shouldn't he make me feel better? No... the answer is no. I should make myself feel better! He may love my curves but he doesn't have to love me bitching.



The Reality

213 pounds
It's true that there are people out there who would probably love to be my weight. However, we are all un-satisifed with ourselves.
My issue isn't about being curvy. I would choose curves over a 12 year old boy's body any day of the week, and twice on sunday.
The issues are my lack of energy, and not feeling confident in myself.
To not untag Debbie's picture, or feel like a freak walking into the store Garage to see tiny girls question whether I can fit into their largest size.
To not feel out of breath at the top of the stairs or sad because of the amazing clothes that I have to give to my sister due to out-fatting ( aka outgrowing ) them.
I AM DONE.


In the spirit of banding together...

I, Ashley, will not give into the easy meal at Mc Donalds. I will not post half of my meal on instagram because I'm embarassed by the other 50%. I will work to "spin the ball out of the bowl" and boost my energy. I will use the Gym membership that I've been paying for! I will lead a healthy, less stressed life.

Change is the only constant in all of science. It is not changing that is unnatural.

The Vulnerable Truth

Happy Thursday my loves.
Today I'm going to get real with y'all...
Last time I was this real was when I did The Ugly Truth post.

This post has been sitting on blogger as a 'draft' for quite some time because I didn't want to post it. Heck, a huge part of me still doesn't want to post it - but it's time to be honest with myself (and apparently the whole interwebz, no big deal). I'm going to warn you now, this is going to be long.
Okay, so here we go.

I'm fat.

Okay, so that wasn't as hard to say as I had expected - phew.

Here's the thing, I have been overweight my ENTIRE life. I was raised in a house where food was cooked with 'love' (butter, fatty oils, etc). Lots and lots of love. My parents changed the foods we ate when I was 16 and we started eating much healthier versions of the fatty foods we has previously consumed on a daily basis. Goodbye white bread, hello whole wheat bread. Goodbye ground beef, hello extra lean ground beef (or chicken, or turkey).

I had never really considered dieting until I was 19-20, which is when I told myself I'd 'start on Monday' every friggin' week. Seriously, I would tell myself every week that it would be my last week of eating fast food, or sitting on my ass butt at home, being lazy. 'Next week is the start of a whole new me' I'd tell myself, ALL of the time. I tried not to vocalize this to anyone because it made it easier when Monday rolled around and I decided I wanted to eat fast food for lunch. Now as much as I'd love to push the blame off on anyone else for why I became so fat, I really have NOBODY to blame but myself. I know this. Don't worry mom, I'm not blaming you!

I came from a family where everyone was big, so I felt okay with who I was. I was raised in a house with so much love. The amount of love, affection, and protection that my Mom & Dad have for my brother and I is like nothing I've ever seen. I was taught (from a young age) to love myself, so I did. So what if I was 25, 50, or even 100 lbs heavier than my classmates or my friends? If it didn't matter to my friends or family, it didn't matter to me - and that was that. Yes, I got bullied. I've been called every name that you can possibly imagine and I quickly adapted to the mentality of 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me'. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it didn't hurt, because it did. I'm also not going to sit here and tell you that I even attempted to do anything about it, because I didn't. By the time I realized that I really should lose weight, I had TWO DECADES of bad habits under my belt.


This was me, through and through. I wanted it... but not badly enough to DO anything about it.

Instead of taking care of myself and changing my lifestyle when I was 20 years old (like I obviously should have done), I started eating more. I guess you could say I was an emotional eater. I would typically eat when I was bored - not when I was sad, angry, etc. Boredom is what caused me to eat. How absolutely ridiculous is that? Who eats out of BOREDOM?! The worst part is that I didn't even care what I was consuming. I would eat anything and everything, it really didn't matter to me. Instead of my weight going down, it just kept going up, and up, and up until I officially hit my heaviest weight at the age of 21. I can't believe I'm about to post this publicly, but this was me on my 21st birthday. Woof.



When I think about where I was at this point in my life - I was just sad. On the outside I was happy, and I've always been the 'funny girl', but inside - a large part of me felt numb. So numb, and so bored... so I ate. I ate, and ate, and ate. I didn't even like food - I actually hated food, but that didn't stop me from eating it. I'm pretty sure it made me eat even more. When I think about it, it makes me sad that I couldn't see what I was doing to myself - but as they say:
Ignorance is BLISS.

Just after my 22nd birthday, my best friend (Amanda) and I decided that we wanted to flip our worlds upside down and move across the country. We literally changed EVERYTHING that we knew about our lives, packed up and moved 6,000km away to the other side of the world country. Everything that was familiar to me was gone in an instant. When I got to Vancouver I didn't have a car (or anyone to drive me anywhere), or a job. This meant I needed to walk or take the bus anywhere I wanted to go. This was new to me - when I lived at home I drove everywhere. I worked a 20 minute walk from my house for FIVE YEARS but drove to work every day. The comfort of a car (or having someone drive me anywhere) was gone.

I was no longer living with my parents, which meant that I was now cooking every meal for myself - every day. Instead of my mom doing the grocery shopping and constantly having a supply of my favorite foods on hand whenever I wanted, I actually needed to go shopping and buy this stuff for myself. The catch was that I had to go grocery shopping with Amanda, my best friend - the health nut. Obviously I couldn't exactly buy a bag of chips, frozen food, or cookies in front of her - so I bought healthy food. After a few months of buying healthy food to show her that I'm not always such a fat ass, these habits actually started to stick. I started loving a lot of these healthier foods, and found myself no longer drawn to the unhealthy crap that I had become so accustomed to eating. Also, since moving to Vancouver - I discovered that I'm lactose intolerant. There was a 3 month period of time where I was literally sick to my stomach every day and thought it was 'normal'. Nope, not normal. It just so 'happened' that I had lactose intolerance...

So, this new lifestyle (actually walking places and eating healthier food) helped me lose a good chunk of weight in the past two years, since moving here! I don't know what my weight was when I moved here, and I don't know what my weight is now, but I feel better and I look better. Here is a side by side comparison of where I was, and where I am now:



I'm happy to say that I've managed to drop between 3-4 pant sizes since moving to Vancouver, and that's only from changing my lifestyle. I can assure you that I definitely have not been 'trying' to lose weight. I was just a wisher, dreamer, and insanely hopeful that the weight would 'fall off'.
Don't worry guys - I'm no longer in denial.


This is where I am today, friends.
I'm not longer wishing or dreaming to be healthy. I'm doing it.

Obviously, I'm still a big girl. I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me, but that's what this post is all about.
I need to make this public. So here we go:

Dear friends, family, WORLD;
I promise that the girl on the left (comparison photo) will NEVER be back, and the girl on the right will soon be gone. I promise to work towards the goals that I'm setting for myself, and I'm prepared to work for every pound that I need to lose. I don't want to be 'skinny', I just want to be healthy. I will fall off the tracks sometimes and have 'cheat days', but I promise that 'cheat days' won't turn into 'cheat weeks' or 'cheat months'. I promise that the blood, sweat, and tears will be worth it, and I promise that I won't let any of you down.
All my love,
Faith